just a coffee.

::My frightening ordeal of the day....ordering "just a coffee"::

I ventured to Starbucks this afternoon with my Dad. Before I ran in to grab us some drinks, I asked him what he wanted. He replied with an answer that I will never be able to get over. "Just a coffee," he said. I agreed to fulfill his request and with my leg half way out the door I realized I didn't know how to order "just a coffee" from Starbucks. Ordering "just a coffee" from Starbucks is implausible, unheard of, never been done before. I was completely lost. When I went to seek council from my dad about how to overcome this he said to just make up some kind of low-fat-so-fat-no-fat-go-fat-thing and kind of morph it all into a mumble.
I must be honest, ordering a drink from Starbucks often terrifies me, for they have created a language and class of their own so complex that everyone knows you have to be at a certain level to be able to casually walk into a Starbucks, order your drink, and be out in less than a minute and a half. I stand in awe of those people. I am one of those customers who walks in with sweaty palms, darting eyes, and my ears trying to catch every conversation around so I can maybe get a hint about what I am supposed to do in that jungle of business men and faithful college students.
After a pep talk from my dad, I confidently got out of the car and walked into the coffee shop. I ordered my own drink first, only to blank out on the low-fat-so-fat-no-fat-go-fat-thing. I gave up and told her to surprise me. Predictably, the overly friendly young girl who obviously studied for nights to be able to say "tall nonfat cinnamon dolce latte" in less than half a second flat to get her wages at the end of the day so she can pay for her first car made a good call. This horrifying situation ended pretty well as my dad received his drink and was more than satisfied as we drove away.

I can tell you that it will probably be a long while before I am able to face those mighty jaws, waiting to suck me into the heartache and misery of questioning the law of coffee, just so I can get a caffeine buzz, ever again.

For now, I think I'll stick with my dietPEPSI.
And I don't even like dietPEPSI.


Elizabeth said...

this is why you buy coffee at starbucks...

The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what in the world they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cap

"an absolutely defining sense of self" that is why starbucks makes coffee.

me said...

say for heaven's sake that thats from "you've got mail."
kars, order just the non-fat coffee of the day.
its quite simple actually.

dams said...

yeah als, you stole that quote. (good thing i read me's comment or i would've repeated what she said haha)

kars, i found your post hilarious. i'm one of those faithful college students but i'm only causal cause i don't bother trying any nonfat mumbojumob. i just order one of my usual favorites. try a white mocha latte, a mocha latte or a caramel frap. then add non-fat or low-fat or no whip on teh front and you're good. ;)

auntie suzie said...

My order is "a grande, extra hot, non-fat, vanilla latte", sometimes I vary the size, but if I'm getting a hot drink that's the order. To order "just a coffee", it's a short/tall/grande/venti Americano. If you want decaf add that. Hope that helps!

Anonymous said...

i rarely get anything from starbucks...I normally just get iced caps from tim hortons. (you dont have to make any decisions, just about the size) if you were to get a frappucino at starbucks you have to choose from all these different flavours, when all i want is a coffee like tasting cold drink that is good.

i dont like diet pepsi.

karawarnock; said...

i am pleased to say that i faced the beast once again today. however, it wasn't too hard because i know what i like, and it isn't "just a coffee".

als said...

and i was there.

me said...

short low-fat organic soy chai latte with a single of espresso